Monday, January 28, 2008

The questions you ask...

I'm feeling the need to be philosophical. The need to rant endlessly. The need to find some sense in it all. I might not even push "publish post" at the end of it all. I just need to get it out.

It was one of those days. It started out normally enough. Everything was fine. And then... Suddenly it wasn't. It was one of those delayed reactions. It's no wonder I moved through this weekend like I was in a daze. It's no wonder.

Friday ended with a blow so great, I didn't see it coming. The worst kind of sucker punch. Here I am. Here I am, blood and guts out for everyone to see, and here comes the Mack truck. Someone tell her there is a mack truck coming...

Anyone ever hear that song by Ani Difranco? Untouchable face? Well it's not quite like that, but I FEEL like that. It's not a romance go wrong (at least not the type I have with ONE other person). No, this was a different kind of romance.

Every day. Every freakin' day. I come here. I put on my coat of armor. I put on that thick skin. I do it day in and day out. And you know? I thought I had a good thing going here. I thought I was doing a good job. I thought that pouring my blood, sweat and tears into something would mean that I was doing something right. That maybe FINALLY I had found THE thing I was meant to do. Maybe I was home.

I guess that was my mistake. I got too comfortable. Who knows.

I know they're kids. I know they have no idea what their words can do. I know it.

That knowledge doesn't take away the pain. I know I've always been a sensitive sort. I've really worked on that. Thought I had made some strides. And then tonight, it all came out (thankfully in the privacy of my home). Crying like I have never cried before. Ever.

I'm the adult. I have to keep reminding myself that. While that's fine and good, I also need a healthy distraction.

The good news is that I've found an amazing group of friends. Amazing. And (get this) I found a triathlon partner (or two)! So, it's time to get back at it. Time to work on that base. Time to make some real goals. I need that intensity back in my life. Yes, I have other things to be intense about, but I need to focus more on me. Maybe that will keep me from losing myself in my work.


Brent Buckner said...


Take care. Keep building yourself!

Danielle said...

Yes, I definitely think that you need to get back into what you enjoy doing. It helps take the stress off the pressure you might put on yourself in other areas.

I'm that way too, when it comes to something bad said or written about me. I try to be thicker skinned and know it's not meant to be how it sounds, usually, but I can't help it sometimes.

JC said...

Sorry you are having a rough go. Kids can be mean little pains in the butt sometimes. Not sure this will make you feel any better, but remember how much being a kid... and at that a pre-teen/teenager sucks. In addition to all that hormone moody stuff kicking in, kids are all about trying to fit in and never feeling like they do. They are giant walking balls of pimpled insecurity. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to that for even a second. And some times the way kids work that out is to say mean things to people they know won't say it back. Think about the number of kids that tell their parents that they hate them. I can't imagine getting hit with that as a parent. But I bet almost every parent gets it.

My advice... tho its hard... don't thicken your skin. It will mean you no longer care about them. The reason it stung is because you are there with your heart on your sleeve and open to all of that. Don't change that. Don't harden to it. Find a way to grow your empathy and connect even more with them. If you look back at your own growing up and teachers, its the ones that found that empathy and connection that stick with you forever. Not the ones with the thick skin. But its a lot easier said than done.

For what its worth, my parents were both teachers. God love them. They came home after many a rough day too. Nature of the beast. Keep up the good work. The kids are really lucky to have you. Little snots.

Joe B said...

Anytime you need a friend you know you can call.