(If you are having a sunny Hump Day, PLEASE skip this post. It's uncharacteristically negative and depressing.)
WARNING: Meltdown Imminent
Why didn't I go into history? Orrrr, English? Something that doesn't have to WORK all of the time, something that won't suck the life out of you. Something that just IS.
Why didn't I leave here years ago when I realized it wasn't for me?
Why did I come to this weird department in the first place?
WHY ISN'T ANYTHING WORKING!?!?!?!?
I want out sooooo badly. Now. I want to leave NOW. I honestly don't care what I would do, I just want to leave. I've spent 6 life-sucking years in this hell hole, I want to end it NOW. I hate science. HATE IT!!!!!!!!
I feel like just one more failure is going to put me over the edge. I have absolutely NO motivation to finish this beast. None, whatsoever.
I just want to do something that makes me feel fulfilled, like I'm good at something. Not this constant manic-depressive feeling. Up down Up down. Things work. They suck. Things work. They suck.
I'm tired of this journey. I want off.
Yesterday the secretary asked me if I had submitted my S.O.L. form. (I thought she was telling me a joke...) I looked at her quizically and said, "Um, I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound good!"
Apparently, in this case, it stands for Statute of Limitations. She explained... Basically you get 6 years to complete your work. After that you have to file an extension to stay. You get a year.
These past few weeks have been tough. My mom (which is still an ongoing saga), some other pretty major things that I can't go into and now this. Something's gotta give.
10 comments:
I completely and totally feel for you! I was a physics major in undergrad so I understand a microcosm of what's going on. And unfortunately life doesn't stop when everything else is complete crap. Wish there was more I could do than just send happy blog vibes your way.
Hang in there, I always hated math and totally sucked at it...somehow my paths led me to be an Accountant..go figure?? I'm not sure if this makes sense, but my inspirational calendar says today: "A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds"...maybe there's something really good for you around the corner!!
I KNOW there's something really good for you right around the corner. Just keep looking... It'll all work out the way it's supposed to.
I would suggest, if you don't already do it, a little daily meditation. 5-10 min. just sit quietly and do not judge your thoughts. Let them enter your mind and let them go. You will figure out what is important, but you need to calm your mind before you can do that.
I think you are struggling with understanding what it is you really love right now. I don't really think you hate science! Science is COOL! But like any other profession, sometimes administrative crap gets in the way of doing things the way you would like to/think they should be done. And then there's triathlon--a newish thing for you that you are really going to town on, and like it or not, that is a struggle, too. The desire to improve and to gain a lot of experience all in one season is quite a lot to put on your shoulders!
So you need to give yourself a break. A mental break. It is clear you are a very driven person who likes to make decisions quickly (takes one to know one!). Step back, sit quietly, remove judgment from the picture, and the right thing to do will come.
Girl, I feel your pain. I'm on extension number 2. You just wrote exactly what I've been feeling these last 2 weeks. Grad school sucked all my love of science away. Can't stand it. Don't believe I good at it anymore. Progress is impossible when the advisor has totally different learning/management style. I want to have a job that pays me and offers advancement, not 2 years as an indentured servant, oops, post doc.
So...what this means is...you're not alone in the way you feel. You can do this. Remember the success of your proposal and how people wanted to help you write for funding? That proves your ability. You've made progress, the university will see that. As long as you progress, it's in their best interest to let you finish.
You can do this.
Find a kid and a kid's science project book and do a silly little science experiment. See the awe in the little kid and maybe you'll remember why you like science enough for it to momentarily take over your life. Hang in there. Science makes history.
Zilla,
somethign that helps me get through tough times..
I always imagine those days when i will get up early at 5:30 in the winter, walk for 30 min to the pool. Then struggle learning to swim. Then change and head to work. Those mornings are cold.
Compare to that...what other crap i am with right now (oh crap is coming up), it's ok.
Try to look past the obstacles and see the life beyond what you're doing now. Chin up!
Stay tuned...
Jen, Wow, and wow. And a BIG "what DHB said".......You are not a quiter, no matter what happens. It might be tempting to toss the S.O.L. and say F**K it. If you do, thats cool, just realize what that means.... and what it means to all the work you've done. You want this to be a DECISION, not a leap of faith in any random direction. If Science truly SUCKS, then by all means head in a new direction, but PLEASE don't look back with "if only". Nothing worth doing is easy, and you have an INCREDIBLE amount of patience to make it this far. Maybe an S.O.L. should be followed with an L.O.A., of at least two weeks to clear you head. Chin up Girl........1 mile to go.............................
Marty
Well, hopefully this is all just a bad day creeping up on you, it would suck to really hate your major this far in!! Chin up and go for a run, bike ride, swim and hopefully that will make you feel better!! And hopefully maybe your mom will start listening a little bit to remove that stressor...
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