Any other reason I've stated before is minimal. Somehow they don't seem to matter anymore. There is only one reason now that makes any difference at all.
I spent this past week at home, getting the house ready for my mom, who was returning from Montana, after volunteering a month with the Blackfeet Indians near Glacier National Park. She works so hard while she's out there, and I love getting the house spick and span for her... Buying groceries, picking up the cats.
She came home on Saturday (thankfully, I had the time to clean up the soaked basement, whip the overgrown gardens into shape, and convince the kitties that mommy was coming back.). She had a horrible headache (major neck problems), tendonitis in her arm, and was still recovering from a GI problem she contracted while in MT. In short, she was a wreck.
Of course all of this was making her more finnicky than usual. I'm sure it's understandable, but when *I* had to open her package of cigarettes because of her arm, I lost it. I can see the future here, folks. Arthritic and aching, my poor mother is going to be in a bed before she knows it. There's not much more that can be done for her neck short of a very invasive surgery (which they are contemplating now). She eats horribly, suffers from horrible headaches often, and has severe arthritis.
I don't blame my mom for these problems. Life has been difficult on my poor mom, and honestly, I think these are just some of the burdens that she still carries with her. It pains me when she's in pain. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish it would affect me instead. It tears me up inside. What makes all of this worse is that she's utterly alone. No SO, no really close friend. Part of me thinks that she drives people away because she doesn't want them to be close to her pain.
But, what really gets me is that she makes these really horrible decisions. She smokes. She eats horribly. She doesn't exercise.... She's the poster child for osteoperosis.
So when faced with opening those cigarettes, I cried. I told her that I was worried about her. That I was afraid that before too long she wouldn't be able to do simple things for herself. That she was making all of these problems WORSE by smoking and not taking proper care of herself.
I've never given her any grief before about smoking. Never. Mainly because I know that when people pressure me about anything, it only makes me want to do it more. But, I've had it. Really and truely. I want my mom to be around for as long as possible. She's only 53, for goodness sake, but she's an old 53. Just in the past 2 years or so, I've seen her muscle tone go to almost nothing. She looks... old.
It was a tough week. What I thought was going to be fun and relaxing turned into a week full of driving my mom around, going to doctors (to get a horribly painful shot), in short doing almost everything for her (including washing her at times). I stayed an extra day because she couldn't yet drive. It was terrible to leave, but I know I did the best and the most that I could.
Why do I swim, bike, and run? Why do I eat so well? Why do I not smoke or drink caffeine or alcohol? WHY!?
She doesn't understand why. We were talking about my upcoming birthday recently, and I sent her a list of triathlon-related things that I would love, complete with direct links and descriptions. I explained to her over and over that they were just ideas, and if she didn't want to get me those things, it was okay. But when we were talking about it, she told me she didn't understand any of it. She didn't know what a jersey was, and didn't seem to care to know.
I felt like she didn't want to accept part of me, but deep down I think she wishes that she could do some of this stuff, and is sad that she can't. I've tried to help her. I got her weights and a mat for Christmas 3 years ago. I haven't seen them move since, and the mat is still in the packaging. The next year I got her a pedometer. I have no idea what happened to that. You can lead a deer to water.... But you cannot control the actions of another person. She has to make her own decisions. I just hope that someday she realizes that her decisions affect me as well.
In the end I opened the cigarettes and left the room. And cried some more.
Right now I'm going for a bike ride. You know why.
9 comments:
How painful! I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes. It's so awful to realize that something that's such a huge part of who you are isn't understood or accepted by the people closest to you.
And doing tris in spite of not having their support - that takes a whole lot of guts! :D
That is TOUGH. Very tough.
Ride fast. Ride well. It won't make it all better but it can be pretty damn cathartic.
That's a very loving tribute.
right there with ya, 'zilla. smsmh's mom is very similar, although she doesn't smoke. i've often thought about doing a post about the reasons i got into running, but since my mom reads my blog and her obesity is one of the reasons i started running, i just can't bring myself to blog about it.
the tough, infuriating and maddening part of it is knowing that it DOES affect you. that one day, you'll be tasked with picking up the pieces of their destroyed life.
you are fortunate that you're making the right decisions for yourself, though, and not caught in the same cycle that she probably got from her parents.
we know why, 'zilla, and we're behind you all the way.
Dear Jen, You are a wonderful daughter. Life is tough sometimes. My mom is in roughly the same type of shape as yours, only add 20 years! She doesnt smoke or drink, but a lifetime of poor eating habits and stupid doctors has taken its' toll. I have been in both situations as I am the mom of an adult daughter as well. I'm sure I give her plenty of grief too. The mother daughter bond is complex and emotional and forever. Hang in there.
Like Jeff, I'm right there with you too...only it's my dad, not my mom. Stage 3/4 esophageal cancer has not convinced him he needs to quit smoking and drinking. He too is one of the biggest reasons I started to tri. This post breaks my heart because it's so clear you're doing everything for her that you can and it will never be enough. Believe me, I know too. At some point, they have to do their own work. And when they don't or can't, for whatever reason, it hurts us. Hang in there, ride hard and trust yourself to keep YOURSELF whole and strong and healthy. That's all you need to be in charge of today. Looking forward to this weekend when we can flex our race muscles and remember why we're triathletes...
Trizilla,
I don't think there is much I have to say or can say. I think u are doing an awesome job trying to get your mom into healthy lifestyle and get her to try and understand why you tri.
Granted, my relationship with my family ain't as well. They don't understand why I have to be out training all the time and never ask me about my races. I know they care but they never show it. Sometimes it's hard...even just a simple "good luck" or "try your best"..can make a whole lot of difference..
If you substitute "grandmother" for "mom," I could've written this post.
And the part about driving people away because of your pain? SO true.
Ride. And Run. And Swim. And do it some more. It helps. And the tears look a lot like sweat, right?
Jen, me too, me too. My Dad lead himself to an early grave (diabetes) by not taking care of himself......My mom is not fairing much better. Thanks for sharing that, I know how tough it is.
M
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