"When I grow up, I want to be a _____________."
Here I am again. Full circle once more. I've been here so much, I'm staring to get dizzy.
I guess the main problem is that I want to matter. I want to do something with my life that is going to have an impact. I want to help kids figure out what they want to do. I want to help them see that there is always a way to go after their dreams. I want to show them that the world is theirs for the taking. I want to help them see that they can make their own destiny. I want to mentor. I want to teach.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO RESEARCH. I do not want to have to fight for tenure.
The fight is gone.
And the question remains: Well, then why am I still here, trying to get a Ph.D., especially if I don't need it to do what I want to do? Why torture myself? Why not start living my dream now?
I'm just wondering if any of you have felt this way. Imprisioned. And utterly fearful of the future. Of making a change. Of what that change will mean to you, to those around you.
I don't want to live my life this way, I know that.
Sorry it's not more upbeat for a Monday, but that's where I am. Back to square 1.
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9 comments:
In my opinion, feeling the way you feel is good - it means you're thinking about what you're doing and where you're going. But yes, it does suck, doesn't it? I hate that feeling of being trapped. The thing I've decided though, is that leaping and changing your life isn't nearly as expensive as staying in a path that makes you unhappy.
The last time I found myself at a crossroads where I was wondering what and where I wanted to go and if I could do it, I got the book "What Next" by Barbara Moses. It really helped me think outside the box as far as what my options were.
Hang in there and I can't wait to hear what direction you decide to go in.
PS. Love the countdown on your sidebar! :)
TriZilla,
I thought about this on and off.
I want to give kids and other the hope that was given to me. Honestly , I don't know how to do it. I mean i don't have a strategy or a method. I am learning this as I go.
How I approach to help kids is to help myself through the sport of triathlete. You know the tri is all about the can do spirit. If I can share this to someone I love or care, then that's all it matters.
As for the career side, it depends. For now, i am settle in a medicore IT job that aint' really going anywhere. I dont' know where the future that will take.
Earlier this year, I was thinking of going back to school and taking physio or something. But for now, i am keep that just an option.
There is nothing wrong with me working full time in a job that i like (NOT LOVE) but in my spare time focus on what i want to do (tri, give ppl hope etc.)
I think you need to look at Newton first law. The question is waht's your outside force?
Similiarly I think you need to consider a whole life view in your choice. Did Condi Rice ever think that she would change the way black woman are looked at as a kid? Did she understand that she would be a world leader? Honsetly I have no idea, but she is.
Sometimes when we think our current path is incorrect or will not lead to where we want to be, we need to consider if we are considering all the future possibilities our currnet path might lead to.
Ooooooh, you know I have thoughts on this. Lots of thoughts. I don't know if we can get through this in one day so, please write me.
From the outside looking in you need to finish because:
1) You are brilliant. You deserve the degree, even if it's just the icing on the cake.
2) The children will benefit from your degree. I've done science/life mentoring/education outreach before. The doctorate makes a difference.
3) Because otherwise, they win. Those jerks who don't return phone calls or emails, who kill you with neglect, who drag their feet so long your research got scooped or committee members drop out, who can't remember what they told you at the last meeting, who want you to fail for reasons they can't verbalize because you challenge their vision of how "it's supposed to work". Those jerks.
4) Because we know the people in #3 are SO WRONG.
OK, that's it. Not well thought out but we've seen the struggle on your side and mine.
YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.
And because Mark Twain once said:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you
didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails."
Sorry, 'Zilla. I don't have much words of wisdom. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Are you a bird in a gilded cage? Don't we all build our own prison walls? Move on, sometimes you trade one for another.
A final quote for you:
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves"
I will miss you in Chicago this week-end.
the fool
I think most people, at some point in their lives, feel confused and uncertain about the direction they are heading. If you were to ask, most could not tell you where they would rather be or if they know, do not have a logical game plan to get there.
You seem to know exactly what you want to be doing.... so I would ask, why are you not there?
Life is too precious to spend any of it unhappy. You are allowed to change your goals, because life is constantly changing, and nothing is ever set in stone. I don't think you will ever regret making a decision that gets you to where you ultimately want to be, a little quicker.
The most obvious path isn't necessarily the one for you.
Good that you are having these thoughts now. When you have them at my ripe ol' age it's pretty much mid life crisis. But enough about me... :)
Live courageously. Betta to have experimented and failed then to have to look back and wonder why you compromised. I have never looked back with regret on the chances I took, but I often wonder why I settled for less...
Good job getting that swim in on Fri!
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