Quite a lot has happened in a very short time. Just another sign that I am making the RIGHT decision FOR ME.
I can honestly say that I feel happy (maybe for the first time in years - It's a foreign feeling.). I feel hopeful. I feel as if I am finally pursuing my dream. It might not be what I do for the rest of my life, but it's a place I feel I could make a difference. Now.
I've spent a lot of time, money and so, so much energy trying so damn hard to get my Ph.D. Along the way, I earned my Master's Degree, so that's a pretty good development. But since then, I've spent 5 long years in the lab, failing. Over and over and over again. It's not in my nature to give up, otherwise I would have done so years ago. I stuck with it. I picked myself back up (And each time, that got harder and harder). I tried again.
It's been a long road. A road that has NO END in sight. Even with the new project, it dawned on me that in fact there was no guarantee that I would be out of here by August 31st (My advisor agreed with me on this.). I know that there are no guarentees in life, but I've gotten to the point of being so thoroughly UNHAPPY. Life is too, too short, folks. This is not my dream.
I realized a year or so ago that what I really wanted to do was teach. Unfortunately almost all university jobs now require that you do some amount of research. After my experience here, I can honestly say that my greatest fear would be watching my students fail, watching their disappointment. It's more than I could bear.
I realized what I really wanted to do was interact with students more closely, that I truely wanted to teach them, to motivate them to succeed where they once thought success was unatainable. I get this excited feeling inside when I'm teaching someone that has no idea about what I'm telling them. It's a challenge. And, I'm up for it. Beyond that, I feel that it's something I'm good at. I feel most fulfilled when I'm doing it.
With that realization, came the CLARITY that I did NOT NEED this degree for what I wanted to do. And then came the next question: So why am I still here, when I'm so miserable?
I don't think that there is any nobility in finishing something simply because I started, especially when it is causing me extreme pain and sacrifice. When it has cost me so much mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's not worth that cost, especially when there are so many unknowns.
I know that life will present me with challenges no matter what I do. But I also know that I fought the good fight here. It's amazing to me that I lasted this long. And, it was a valuable experience. I have learned so much that I hope to be able to pass on to others.
So, here comes another beginning. Can you hear the happiness in my words? Can you sense the joy and the freedom? Can you tell that I feel SO much lighter? I hope so.
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as a seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as a seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova
13 comments:
You Go Girl! :-)
After our discussions I know it is the right decision for you! Cheering for you as you round this last corner and into the new.
TriZilla,
I always try to live with the belief that either:
i) I plow through it regardless
ii) I stop and change direction
The decision to do when depends on the situation. But once the decision is made, I don't look back.
Congrats on making that decision.
It's all good. Sounds like you learned what you needed to, and that's what counts, right? YOU GO GIRL!!
Oh this is so beautiful! And in my stressed out state, it's made me weepier than anything else! :)
Hooray, clarity is a wonderful thing! And fwiw, I've never regretted a thing, when I've let me heart lead the decisionmaking. Congrats!
What a relief for you! You sound very excited about the next step in your life. Keep us posted!
Just found your blog, good reading. Glad you've made what sounds like a good decision for you. I also got my Master's (in science from UMass Amherst) and left without a PhD. I'm still doing research but there are days I think teaching would be awesome. Sounds like you're headed in the best direction for you. Good luck.
It is important to be able to close the chapter and move on sometimes. I am so glad to read that you are doing just that.
I am moved by your desire to teach and your obvious love for the students. I am glad that you have decided not to let the PhD stand in the way of getting to them sooner. God Bless!
Set your sails into this new wind. You never know where it will lead you!
Missed you in Chicago. (Our CMM crew had 3 PR's)
the fool
As I read that I could feel a tremendous weight being lifted from your shoulders.
Although, I'm not clear on your next step, I think you are making a great decision. I know there are a lot of people in your position that want to teach and aren't interested in the research.
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